May 25, 2005 (The Battle Wages On)

Hello everyone and welcome to the journal. As you know, this has been a great week. I just had a birthday, the Michael Jae Project will be back on in Lake County, and most importantly, the Sox defeated the Cubs during the first of two meetings this season. However, Cub fans instead of worrying about how shitty their team is and what they are doing to improve their situation, they want to talk about how the Sox are going to fall off the face of the major league come All Star break.

First I would like to say that Dusty Baker is a worthless manager especially compared to Ozzie. Here is a man who takes one of his star pitchers, Carlos Zambrano out of a game that he was dominating in and blames shit on carpal tunnel syndrome. Apparently his wife bought a shit load of computer products that are designed to help with carpal tunnel because Zambrano e-mails his brother a lot. I wonder if the signature on those e-mails is “I’m on a team that has a stroke for a manager.” How quickly Cub fans turn? A couple of years ago when the Cubs miraculously made it to the playoffs, everyone was saying this is the year of “Dustiny.” Well, where are you Cub fans now? Oh yeah, you are calling for his head.

One big excuse I heard from Cub fans regarding the loss this past weekend was “we weren’t at full strength.” Look, just because Walker and Garciaparra (who I said would end up in a hospital before a year with the Cubs was up) are injured doesn’t mean you are not at full strength. It was losing Alou and Sosa that fucked you guys. Yet, you guys ran Sosa out of town. So what if he had an attitude? The Cubs were winning games with him. They just choked in the end because, well, that’s the Cub tradition. I know that Cub fans need to make excuses for their existence so I guess I will just sit back and listen, while the Sox are in first place of the entire league.

Then there are you fuckhead Cub fans that say, “oh it is still early in the season.” Come July, you guys will still be saying that. We lose two games in a row and it’s “oh oh, looks like a big losing streak.” You want a losing streak fucksticks? Two words, Latroy Hawkins. One reason why the Sox will be much better than the Cubs is we have great closers, a decent bullpen, and we have Ozzie. You have Hawkins, a bunch of pitchers who couldn’t throw a ball from the warning track to the fans, and that idiot Baker. Chances are the Sox will do better than the Cubs based on that alone, but the Sox will continue with their winning ways. The theory about how they have played bad teams is bullshit. They are leading Minnesota in victories over the season, they split with Baltimore, and right now the series is at 1-1 with LA, both who are first place teams in the AL.

Then, the Cub fans want to say “when Frank comes back, you guys are in trouble.” Yeah, well I say when Garciaparra comes back, you’ll still suck. Frank has grown up, and he has proven that. When Ozzie takes supposed shots at him, he keeps his mouth shut. That is one example of how Thomas has grown up. He will bring power to this team that is winning games based on speed, and some guys on the team like Dye and Konerko are putting balls out of the park. Ozzie will find a way to work Thomas into the mix, and keep the chemistry of the team alive.

And then you have the audacity to say Ozzie shoots his mouth off too much. Gee, wasn’t it good old Dusty who made the comment that blacks can play longer in the sun or something like that? Give Ozzie credit, at least he isn’t racist. He just gets behind his team 100%. You think Sosa was a cancer? He has helped the Orioles play better ball this year until his injury. I love the fact that the dumb fuck Cub fans bought tickets to a Sox game just to boo Sosa, and then he didn’t show up. That was classic.

In closing, I think this journal backs up what I have been saying since the age of 10. Sox rule, Cubs don’t just drool, they salivate. Thanks for reading and go White Sox!!!!!

MJ

May 21, 2005 (Have You Hugged Anyone Lately?)

YO YO YO!!!! MJP RAPS!!!! Ha ha ha. Hello there and welcome to read this piece of crappy kitsch we call the Journal. I know I am a little late, but it was my birthday so I am behind. I am saying MJP raps because I am listening to the NWA Legacy right now. It is a kick ass CD and I suggest if you are into real hip-hop, you pick it up one day.

Remember back in the days when people had those bumper stickers that said “have you hugged your kid today?” Yeah, it seems like a long time ago. Well, apparently hugging people is a problem nowadays. What? You don’t believe me? Just ask 14 year old Cazz Altomare and she will tell you hugging gets people in trouble.

Altomare is a student of Sky View Middle School, which lies in Oregon. She was given a detention for hugging a fellow student. Her mother came into the school freaking out and understandably so.

"I'm trying to understand what's wrong with a hug," said Leslee Swanson, Altomare’s Mother. Gee, you and I are both in agreement here. Why don’t we ask Doug Freeman?

"We work hard at a no-touch policy, we also work with the kids, so they understand our reasons for that.” said Doug Freeman, principal of Joseph Lane Middle School in Roseburg.
Hey thanks for that answer Douggie. I think I couldn’t have sidestepped a question better myself. What is wrong with the hug? They are not kissing, necking, or doing the unthinkable, fucking. What is the problem here?

"The majority of the kids know what their moral values are," he said. “When a situation arises, the staff uses discretion and mutual respect to deal with the students. There's no need to blow it out of proportion," Wilson said.

Oh really. The fact that you are trying to tell kids it’s wrong to share feelings with each other with a harmless little hug. Yeah, there is no reason to blow it out of proportion. This goes back to the conformity and shaping young minds issues I have with schools. School is here to help your brain learn subjects, and guide youngsters throughout the trials and tribulations of life if they ask for it. If the students do blow in the bathroom, I can understand the cause for disciplinary action. If they are in the bathroom doing the nasty in one of the stalls, OK. I can understand that. But a simple little hug when someone is on the way to gym class, come on, don’t you guys have bigger problems to worry about?

I read about all these violent situations in middle schools. For instance, those infamous bus videos where the kid gets his ass kicked by many people on the bus. The schoolyard bullies and the parents out there who get way too involved into child sports they waste other parents over it. Let us not forget the use of weapons in our schools. And the biggest underlining factor in all of this, the fact our education system is one of the worst out there. Not enough money is being used to fund it. Some of the teachers out there would rather touch kids in bad places, than tell them to read Chapter 4 in their textbook. You think this isn’t happening? Enter the words “Teachers Molesting Students” into Google and the results are scary. Aren’t these problems that need to be dealt with before we worry about two kids sharing in a hug before they go off to class? Then again, isn’t the wedding of Mary Kay Latourneau and the student she was doing it with being televised? I guess America celebrates that kind of thing.

Bottom line, this girl should not be serving a detention for a hug. Hugs are ways of showing affection that are safe. We hug people when they win a game, we hug people when we are sad, we hug people when he haven’t seen them in a long time. I don’t think a hug constitutes breaking some sexual taboo, but I guess some people feel that way.

"Really, all we're trying to do is create an environment that's focused on learning, and learning proper manners is part of that," said Dave Haack, the principal of Cascade Middle School who also has a “hugging ban.” Well, Mr. Haack, if you believe that touching is a part of poor manners, I think someone needs to give you a hug.

Thanks for reading, see you later. MJ

May 13, 2005 (Prom Survival Tips)

Hello folks. Welcome to the Journal. I wanted to talk about this topic because I thought it was funny when I talked about it on the show, but I didn’t have enough time to cover it. So I decided that today would be a good time to go there.

Yes prom, it is that time in life where just about anything can happen. The first time for many people regarding many different things. Sex, drugs, booze, you name it, it can happen here at prom. I believe that prom is a challenging event and here to give you some special survival tips is your good friend Michael Jae.

Find the right person to go withYes this is very important because in order to have a fun time so in order to achieve this, you need to find someone fun, someone interesting, and someone who doesn’t want to talk to their damn girlfriends all night long. The thing is this is a special night, and when you get some little bitchy bitch who wants to gab all night with her girlfriends about what this person is wearing, and how that nail polish looks, it kinds of spoils the mood for the prom, and events to hopefully follow.

Get your own transportation to the Prom
I have heard from many high school students that many schools are telling students to take a bus from the high school to the hotel/banquet hall that is hosting the event. This is bullshit. First off, I do believe high school students are responsible enough to find their way to the prom. What’s more? This is an event where schools are bringing the transition from child to adult. It is a black tie affair. It is a social gathering. If a student is going to a charity event, should they get on the bus from the headquarters of the charity? Of course not. This is my opinion is all about the molding and shaping of young minds to become part of the machine known as conformity. Don’t ask questions; be a follower not a leader unless you want trouble. I remember a story a couple years back about a couple who was going to be in the school play in Algonquin, and wanted to go to prom afterwards. The school tried to stop them from going since they couldn’t get on the bus, but eventually protests from parents and media attention got them to change their minds.

Dance to slow songs only
Anyone who wants to do anything else but fuck on prom night, go to Dance Fever, OK? Prom is sex night. You can smell it in the air. People are getting laid. Whether it is the school slut, or that nice little virgin about to be deflowered, fluids will be exchanged. The more times you dance to slow songs, the more you set the mood. Guys this is important. Especially if you want to get your dick wet. I am not the romantic expert, but if you treat a woman like she is the only person on a night like this, the possibilities are endless regarding what can happen, that is unless you find the school whore. Then forget everything I just said.

Be sure to spike the punch bowl
Yes this may be old, but oh what can happen when you spike that punch bowl. Everyone will get drunk, and all that bullshit I said about setting the mood. This is the way to set the mood in an entirely different way. This will possibly lead the way to many orgies in the night. I am kidding. However there is an upside to this. If you offer the chaperones some juice which unbenounced to them has been “sweetened”, there is a good chance the teachers will get wasted as well. You can party with the teachers and if you want to kick it Mary Kay Latourneau style, you can bang one of them. Imagine your teacher talking to you about the birds and the bees while she is straddling you. And if they do get wasted, you can always blame it on them since most of them are of legal age to buy alcohol. You can blackmail them for A’s. You can borrow money from them. This is the key to your destiny people.

Get a limo with white seats
Now remember, all that Barry White may get her in the mood as soon as you get back to the limo. You need to get a limo for prom, OK? She might want to do the nasty or maybe even one of those teachers we talked about earlier. You may have an accident and it will blend in with white seats better than black. If you spooge on the black seats, the limo driver will want your balls on a plate. Prevent this by asking for a white limo. Think about this, a married couple might use the limo you got your knob polished in. Then they will be sitting in the load you release during Prom Night.

Find a nice place to go to afterwards
Once again, if you give a woman all the attention, you’ll get special attention. Fuck going to a party. You can go to a party anytime. The Prom is really special for the girls and most of them lose their virginity on this night. Do you really think she wants you to pop her cherry in a room that sounds like a frat house? That is just so disrespectful. Unless she is a freak like that and wants to play a game of finger cuffs with you and a buddy or a girlfriend.

Use protection!!!!
This is very important!!!! USE A CONDOM!!!! You never know who the girl has been with, no matter what she says. She may say she is on the pill, but use one anyway. She could have sucked of the whole football team and caught Syphilis. Girls, insist that your man use one for the same reason. Your date could be the guy that hit it with the girl who had many touchdowns with the football team. Also, no one wants a little one to spoil his or her prom night.

Save that shit for marriage.
And most important, have funProm is a night to have fun and remember. Just be safe. However there is one thing you can do to avoid all this craziness. DON’T GO TO THE PROM. In my opinion, proms are stupid and I am blessed to have a girlfriend who felt the same way. Who wants to hang out with a bunch of people you can’t stand anyway? If there is a final farewell, you do it on a different night. Forget the Prom. Besides, making a woman feel special is something that should be done without having a three-ring circus like your high school prom. And to whoever wins that Prom King and Queen bullshit, will this put food on your plate when you get all old and shit? Does it look good on your resume? Or is it just a self-esteem stroke job to make yourself feel good that you are the guy and girl people play with themselves over? Thanks.

This is satire ladies and gentleman. Michael Jae will not be responsible for anyone who is stupid enough to try this shit. Have a wonderful day.
MJ

May 6, 2005 (Runaways and Shenanigans)

Hello and welcome to the Journal. I’m your good friend Michael Jae. As many have heard this past week, Jennifer Wilbanks had a case of cold feet or possibly as she said “running away from fears controlling her life.” She created a prank that she was kidnapped so she could avoid marrying John Mason, who in my opinion is the biggest dumb fuck this side of the moon. But the people who are dumber than him are the ones who believe she had some kind of “fear” controlling her life. He had an excuse, he was pussy-whipped.

Yes, we were all subjected to all the nice little interviews that took place with John Mason this week. “I love her, and I still want to marry her.” Jesus, come on. This woman made you look like the biggest clown in the circus called life, and you are willing to take her back. Obviously you didn’t get much attention from women in high school, or you just have self-esteem as low as the Grand Canyon will go. She doesn’t want a marriage although now she says she does. She is just under a very judgmental public microscope now, so she should try to do as much damage control as possible. Probably six months from now, she is going to straddle your dad, Mr. Mason, in his work shed, while you’re baking cup cakes in the house for the kids.

But aside from that, I can’t believe the lengths people will go to hide their true feelings. What happened to talking about things in this P.C. infested society we live in now? If Ms. Wilbanks had any kind of second thoughts about marrying Mason, maybe she should of did the less expensive thing. Umm… talk to him about it; yeah that’s the ticket. Then there could have been a remote chance you could have saved the man you love the embarrassment let alone the taxpayer’s money when they launched that man hunt to find you. You stupid bitch! Yes, maybe say, “John, I am going to leave you” or “ I am having second thoughts about my marriage,” or the ever popular “let’s get marriage counseling.”

This case pisses me off not because of the whole manhunt thing, and that she said she was kidnapped, but because what happened to being honest with people? Last week in the Journal, I talked about a woman named Alicia Harden who wrote letters filled with racial slurs and threats against minorities throughout a nice little campus located in Deerfield spreading lots of fear and media exposure all for what? All because she didn’t want to go to the school anymore. She never made it clear to her parents, she never told anyone. Let’s just pull this prank and I can leave because my stupid, naïve, parents will take me out of school for fear of my safety. I don’t care who I hurt or scare in the process. Just as long as I get my way. This is very similar to the Wilkins woman. I remember a few years ago the same thing happened with a teenager planting notes throughout a cruise ship leaving everyone with the impression terrorists have taken over the ship. It turns out that the girl just didn’t want to go on the cruise because she wanted to be with her boyfriend. I hope she lost her boyfriend over that stunt.

I believe in this society which I guess is run on morals and values, at least that is what people like to say, we can be honest with each other about things we are bothered by. I don’t personally know these people, but I know it could have been handled different. If you are going to do something deceptive to get your way, you really shouldn’t bring other people into it. Of course many people get cold feet before marriage, many students go to a school and discover they don’t like it, many people miss their significant other when forced to go to a family function. These are human emotions that are completely normal. Everyone goes through them. It just is how people handle them that make them a rational human being with good sense and courage, or some fucking piece of shit who craves so much attention, or wants something so bad instead of having the balls (or in this case ovaries) to talk about it, they destroy anyone or anything to accomplish their goal no matter how silly it is. I advise people to talk more and communicate more. The more people talk, the less whack jobs that influence our lives.

The season finale of mJp is right around the corner and I hope you all get a chance to check it out. For more information, check out my website www.michaeljae.com. Talk to you all soon.

MJ